Latest Update and Greatest Heartbreak

​I wasn’t sure I wanted to post about this but Christian persisted and here we are.
A few months ago I got phone call, which at the time I thought was the greatest blessing Christian and I could ever receive. We had made it to the top of the embryo adoption list at our fertility center and would be receiving the embryo list within a few weeks. I literally thought God heard and answered my prayers. We chose our embryo and started the process to implantation. It was a long process, and just for the record, snakes are about he only thing I fear more than needles so those who know what is involved in an IVF cycle might understand why it was long for me. There were days that I could barely walk because the shots were so painful, but I was doing it for our baby, so I wasn’t about to stop.
Our embryo was girl, I wont bore you with all the details we knew about her but I felt it was such a blessing to be able to give her a body. I pictured this little spirit waiting in heaven for many years and I so badly wanted to be her mom. We implanted the embryo on December 18th and prayed like mad that she would survive. The thaw and transfer were successful and we knew that our longing to be parents was soon over. December 30th was not a day I will soon forget. For weeks we looked forward to the 30th because that was the day we would ‘know’ we were pregnant and we could hardly wait for that reassurance. The 29th was all fuzzy; I wanted time to slow down because what if the 30th wasn’t what I had hoped. I was agitated, anxious, and I started to become angry that I had no control in the outcome. The morning of the 30th I was nervous as we went in for the pregnancy test and continued to be until 10:25am when I got a call confirming my worst fear. There would be no baby. The little girl that we had planned our lives with wasn’t coming anymore and all of a sudden nothing made sense. Did we pick the wrong embryo? Are we not meant to be parents? How could God let us put everything we had into this and then it not work? I’m not sure what the answers are but I’m holding on to a small grain hoping that there is a good reason. I hope I can learn to dance in the rain again instead of run from the storms, but for now I just need a little time sitting here in a puddle of tears mourning the loss of a dream that I thought would come true.