I wasn’t sure I wanted to post about this but Christian persisted and here we are.
A few months ago I got phone call, which at the time I thought was the greatest blessing Christian and I could ever receive. We had made it to the top of the embryo adoption list at our fertility center and would be receiving the embryo list within a few weeks. I literally thought God heard and answered my prayers. We chose our embryo and started the process to implantation. It was a long process, and just for the record, snakes are about he only thing I fear more than needles so those who know what is involved in an IVF cycle might understand why it was long for me. There were days that I could barely walk because the shots were so painful, but I was doing it for our baby, so I wasn’t about to stop.
Our embryo was girl, I wont bore you with all the details we knew about her but I felt it was such a blessing to be able to give her a body. I pictured this little spirit waiting in heaven for many years and I so badly wanted to be her mom. We implanted the embryo on December 18th and prayed like mad that she would survive. The thaw and transfer were successful and we knew that our longing to be parents was soon over. December 30th was not a day I will soon forget. For weeks we looked forward to the 30th because that was the day we would ‘know’ we were pregnant and we could hardly wait for that reassurance. The 29th was all fuzzy; I wanted time to slow down because what if the 30th wasn’t what I had hoped. I was agitated, anxious, and I started to become angry that I had no control in the outcome. The morning of the 30th I was nervous as we went in for the pregnancy test and continued to be until 10:25am when I got a call confirming my worst fear. There would be no baby. The little girl that we had planned our lives with wasn’t coming anymore and all of a sudden nothing made sense. Did we pick the wrong embryo? Are we not meant to be parents? How could God let us put everything we had into this and then it not work? I’m not sure what the answers are but I’m holding on to a small grain hoping that there is a good reason. I hope I can learn to dance in the rain again instead of run from the storms, but for now I just need a little time sitting here in a puddle of tears mourning the loss of a dream that I thought would come true.
1/2/2016 04:01:42 pm
I didn't know ya'll were planning on doing it this way ( I probably missed something) but I am terribly sad it hasn't worked for you yet. I'm no one to give advice on this subject but if I were, I'd only remind you how far you've come. And to never give up. One way or another you will be parents! Love you both <3
1/2/2016 07:46:33 pm
I don't know you, but I know what you're going through. We (my husband and I both have fertility issues) and we tried for seven years to conceive. It was so heartbreaking and one of my darkest, most difficult times in my life. First, I want to say I am so sorry you are going through this! No one can know the pain that comes from infertility, unless they've been through it. If I had any advice (and I know everyone does, but it's not usually helpful at all and usually made me feel worse), it would be to give your burdens to Christ, ask Him to carry it for you. Allow God to humble you (one of the hardest things for me to ever do because as soon as you think you're there, you're not.) Let prayer, scriptures, and the comforter be your guide. I think if I had allowed God's plan to be, and lived my life for bringing his Kingdom on Earth sooner, I would have been able to handle all that I had to go through. Sometimes we think we are meant to have families to build up his Kingdom, but I believe it's not what OR who we have, but that we have Jesus Christ, that he died for us, and we are to let that give us happiness. I have three beautiful girls now, but having them did not completely heal my heart. It was the most wonderful gift of course, but it was later that I realized how much I needed my Savior, Jesus Christ, and how he can heal all our heart aches. Praying for God's will to be done and not our own (for me I thought I knew what God wanted for me and that was to have a family, but it wasn't. I did get that until later, much later than I thought), but I know now that God has a plan for us all and we are whole the way we are if we really let Christ in and carry our burdens.
9/7/2016 08:04:59 pm
Sarah, thanks for your comment and kind words. Its taken a while to get to the point that I actually feel any good can some from something so sad and frustrating. Best of luck to you and your family!
1/2/2016 09:12:05 pm
I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you had a lot of confidence from God that this would work and yet it still didn't. There's probably not a more frustrating and saddening feeling in all the world. I've learned that God does sometimes lead us down what seem to be dead ends, even tragic soul crushing ones. When he does, its only for our eternal life and salvation, knowing that as awful as this world and this life can be at times, it isn't all bad and it will all end and be worth it someday. And the wisdom you and Christian will gain from this, though it won't be the same kind of wisdom you'd gain from having this child, it will be infinitely valuable to you and countless others you'll meet throughout your life in ways you can't understand yet. I hope your body and your spirit recover quickly and that it won't hurt your trust in God and the Savior very long. They are watching you and loving you and sustaining you even if it doesn't feel like it.
1/3/2016 05:45:40 pm
I'm sorry chels that it didn't work out right now. I pray and know that you will be incredibly blessed soon of having a baby and becoming parents. I've known you since 5th grade and my first friend when me and my family moved into town. You are the strongest person that I know and your never been the type to give up! We are praying and crossing our fingers for you! Love ya girl !!
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