Growing a baby as a gestational carrier

​It’s taken me a while to put into words the things I’ve been feeling over the last 9+ months. I’ll start from the beginning because I think it helps illustrate God’s hand in making this happen. 
2021- Three, 3 year olds nearly did me in. Toughest year of my life for many reasons and most days ‘getting through it’ was my only goal. Ok so really rough year, I basically didn’t like children, babies gave me anxiety and I was SURE that we were DONE having kids. I was about ready to get rid of our last embryo because I was that sure! 
 
Then something happened, not sure what but my heart started to soften a bit, I found a little more joy in my children and I even flirted with the idea of being ok being pregnant. THIS WAS BIG and I was super confused because I knew the timing wasn’t right for our family to have another baby right then but why was I starting to think and be OK with the thought of being pregnant?? I realized I was being prepared for something and I think I knew before anyone else what that was. 
 
A year prior I told my sister that if she needed me to carry a baby for her I would. At the time they were still in the throws of infertility treatments and not ready to consider that option. I offered again and made sure she knew I was serious and said to think about it and let me know. After a brutal year full of loss and let down (my explanation of their year) they were open and welcoming to the idea. 
I hadn’t quite cleared the idea with Christian but I knew he would be supportive. The night I told Christian about what I was thinking he was completely supportive and said "sure maybe in a few years when our kids are in kindergarten or something." To which I replied,  “how about in 3 months at the end of this summer?” It took him a minute but after we talked through the why of the timing we were both in agreement that immediately was the best timing for our family. 
 
The closer we got the more excited I was. Probably had something to do with my experience with infertility and knowing how crappy the process can be. It felt good to be helping. The best way I could describe how I felt and still feel is when you find the perfect Christmas present for someone and you cannot wait to give it to them.  Especially when the gift is home grown and close to your heart for 9 months;)
 
Overall the process was pretty smooth, but most importantly the embryo transfer worked the first time – hallelujah!  And here we are at 37 weeks getting ready to welcome this sweet boy into the world! Unlike my last pregnancy, this pregnancy has been relatively stress free. Of course there is the sickness, swelling, heartburn and exhaustion that come with pregnancy but I think for most that’s something that you accept and deal with as it comes. In many ways this has been a healing time for Christian and me but that’s another story for another day! 

I’ve felt very confident about my decision to be a gestational carrier from the very beginning. I strongly feel that this was something I volunteered to do before I came to earth. Over the past few months I’ve tried to explain to friends how this experience is really good for our family. None of our kids are biologically ‘ours’. Our family was built by many people, and although it’s not weird or shameful to us, I know it’s not the ‘norm’. So preparing our kids for this experience and talking through it as the baby has grown has provided lots of opportunities to discuss our family and what makes a family. It’s been a sweet time for sure. I love the pure love of children because they have been excited about this gift that we get to give and they think its pretty special. I say that with a smirk because tonight as we were getting ready for bed, one of mine announced to the rest of the family that they “do not love mom!!!” lol
Some adults on the other hand seem to have a little more to say on the matter. For the record, I’m not bothered by their opinions,  questions or reactions just more of an observation. I think most come around to think it’s a good thing, eventually:)
 
Overall, I’ve been blessed with an amazing support group of friends and family who have been there from the beginning, offering nothing but love and encouragement. I’m constantly in awe at how good and loving the people in my life are. 
 
I’ve been asked more times than I can count if I’m going to be OK after the baby is born, if its going to be hard to give him to my sister, and other similar questions. I know full well those strong hormones after birth are likely to make the experience emotional, but not how you might think. From the beginning I’ve known this baby wasn’t mine. He is my nephew. I’ve mentally pictured him in my sister’s arms- always. I don’t ever entertain the idea of him being my baby...because he isn’t! He is 100% biologically theirs and my only role is to grow his body and then of course love him as an auntie loves their nieces and nephews. I’m excited for my sister and brother-in-law to hold the baby and start bonding right after birth. I know how special and important that time is and I’m excited for them to experience it. 
 
Part of why it’s taken me so long to write about this experience is because the overarching word that describes how I feel about this journey is, sacred. It’s scary to be vulnerable and open about things that are sacred. Turns out this whole thing is sacred- life is sacred, growing a child is sacred, helping another family grow is sacred, service is sacred. I feel honored to be a part of such a special experience.
 
Hopefully soon I can post again with some pictures of this little dude and about the birth! Stay tuned!

---