Dig deep, that’s what hope means to me

​How does a tree in the middle of the desert grow to be so beautiful, and strong? I saw this tree as I was hiking up wild horse canyon near goblin valley, UT. It was as if the tree reached out and tugged on my soul, like it needed to teach me something, save me, or just connect with me somehow. I thought about this tree for most of the hike, trying to come up with a logical explanation for how it came to be. My first conclusion was that the tree relied on the occasional rain and water that a flash flood would bring. I tried to figure out what lesson I was supposed to be learning from this tree but could never make sense of it. A few weeks have gone by since I saw this tree and I finally have a new conclusion. Ready for it?
In order for this tree to survive it must dig deep. The roots must be deep enough and strong enough to sustain itself through long drought seasons, storms and any other attack on its safety. The past five and a half years of my life have been spent trying to bring children into our family. I’ve felt beat down, diminished, alone, and abandoned. I’ve struggled to understand faith and hope as I’ve been in the midst of this journey. I used to think hope was a lot of well wishes for the next infertility procedure or adoption situation to work. After years of that, it becomes exhausting and it’s really hard to stay hopeful.  I started challenging Heavenly Father’s plan for me. I couldn’t spend a lot of time telling you how challenging it was but I don’t want to taint this post with that because it is supposed to be a happy post.
Just yesterday we met with the most beautiful woman in the world who has decided to place her unborn child into our hands. I never thought I would be writing this but I am and I’ve never felt so humbled. This situation came up fast and took us by surprise. Friday we learned that we would be going out to lunch on Saturday to get to know each other. I felt really calm about the whole thing which was different from past situations. While we were waiting for everyone to arrive, I casually told Christian what I thought she was going to look like but said that I needed to keep my mind open just in case I was wrong. When she walked up I was stunned to find that she did look very much like I had imagined. As we hugged, I felt as if I was hugging a long lost friend. Lunch felt natural and the more we talked the more impressed I was with her. Imagine my surprise when during lunch she told us she wanted us to adopt her baby! I think we were both in a bit of shock but felt calm and at peace the entire time.
After we parted ways Christian and I both felt so good about what had just happened. Still in shock we called our Moms because who else do you call when you get that kind of new? We skipped home and continued to process that it was really happening.
This morning our social worker asked if we could meet for a little bit, which of course we said yes to.  We showed up thinking it was to sign a document or something of the sort. A few minutes later our birth mom shows up to give me a gift for mother’s day. Her gift was so tender and thoughtful. Here she is giving us a gift that I can only hope for and then feels the need to make me feel special on mother’s day. She is amazing and has a heart of gold. I couldn’t have dreamed of a more perfect person to go through this process with. I feel really blessed and grateful for many things. I know if I hadn’t dug deep over the last five plus years I wouldn’t have made it through. I would have been lost and most likely forfeited this opportunity and blessing. Digging deep isn’t easy, wasn’t fun, and definitely not enjoyable in any way. This looked a lot like saying prayers when I wasn’t getting answers, going to church when it was hard, reading my scriptures and trying to understand how the atonement applied to me. This might seem like a simple list but believe me when I say I felt like I’ve been through a mental, physical, emotional and financial war. These challenges have softened the soil enough for my roots to grow a little deeper and a little stronger. I can’t say I want to relive any one of them but I’m grateful for the things I’ve learned and the strength I now have.
Happy Mother’s Day!

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